We’re just embarrassed to be a year away from the most infamous moment in Oscar history, and arguably the most live action: The Slap. And since Will Smith came back and kicked Chris Rock back as the most harmless in the world. Soldier Jane is joking, we were waiting for Chris Rock to tell his side of the story. So, while we’re here in March 2023, who ended up getting the scoop? Gale King? Diane Sawyer? Oprah Winfrey? No, that honor went to Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos, who paid The Rock $20 million for a special that will eventually be called Chris Rock: Selective Outrage, which debuted live on the streaming giant tonight.
Rock’s latest hilarious stand-up hit everything from the Kardashians to Lululemon, from America’s opioid addiction (and attention!) to Elon Musk’s “negative sperm” level, from abortion to Meghan Markle (“The Royal Families Are the Racist Sugarhill Gang”), but really everyone was waiting for her version of Will Smith. And Rock did not disappoint.
“It still hurts, Summertime is ringing in my ears,” Rock says about whether The Slap hurt. “I took that hit like Pacquiao.” However, “I’m not a victim, you will NEVER see me on Oprah, Gail.” You see, The Rock spent much of his special talk talking about our current national overdose of self-sacrificing, which he describes as “selective outrage” – the title joke, if you will! – and explains that he did not deserve this beating.
So why did Smith slap him? “The wife was the son’s fucking girlfriend,” Rock proclaimed to oohs and aahs, referring, of course, to the “confusion” with August Alsina that Jada Pinkett Smith had addressed in a Red Table chat with Smith himself. “Everyone here has been deceived, but NONE OF US has ever interviewed a person who deceived us on television. “Hey, I sucked someone else’s dick. How did it make you feel? She hurt him a LOT more than he hurt me… everyone called him a bitch. And who did he hit? To me! A nigga he know he can beat This is some shit!
Rock also told a version of an emancipation joke about slavery that had been circulating on the internet for the past few days (“Got me rooting for the mass!”), but messed up the pitch a bit when he confused the title with another movie. Smith, concussion.
Lastly, why didn’t The Rock react and slap Smith on the night of the Oscars? “Because I have parents!” Do you know what my parents taught me? Don’t fight in front of white people!
And with that, Chris Rock dropped the mic. Literally.